Savio sat in front of the door, watching it, waiting for Yvonne to come in. But she didn't come. Savio sat and waited all day, but Yvonne did not come that day.
"She said she'd be gone for a week," said Angelica. "It has been a week," said Savio. "But she hasn't been gone for a whole week. By tomorrow she'll have been gone for an entire week," argued Angelica, thinking she was very smart. "I guess I'll just have to tell you a story!" said Savio, jumping up on the sofa even though Yvonne didn't like him sitting on the sofa. He got his hair all over. "But I don't want to hear a story!" whined Angelica. "I thought you loved stories," said Savio. "So you have to hear a story!" "But I don't like your stories!" said Angelica. "That was not nice," said Savio sadly. "Fine," grumbled Angelica. Savio was instantly happy once again, and started his story immediately. He spoke very quickly, wagging his tail the whole time, sometimes stopping to scratch behind his ear.
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Yvonne stuffed a stack of books into a suitcase. She put her new oracle ball, who did not throw tennis balls, into another suitcase.
"What are you doing?" asked Angelica. "Are you going somewhere?" "Yes. I'll be gone for about a week," answered Yvonne. "But you don't have any clothes or hygiene products in those suitcases," said Angelica. "If you have books and prophecies, you don't need hygiene," said Yvonne. "And, you know, I'm a rabbit. I don't need clothes." Savio looked sad. Then he suddenly perked up and said, "Can I come? Can I come?" "No, Savi, you stay here," said Yvonne. Savio became sad again. "Savio, you're in charge of the house, okay?" she added. Again Savio perked up. He started spinning in circles. "I'm in charge! I'm in charge!" he said. "What? The dog?" exclaimed Angelica, almost in disgust. "But I'm more responsible than him!" "Personally, I don't think so. You guys take care now," Yvonne said as she grabbed her suitcases. Before she disappeared out the door, she added, "Oh, Savio, why don't you tell Angelica a story?" Then she was gone. Savio's eyes lit up. "A story!" he gasped. "I always wanted to tell someone a story!" He ran to his room, grabbed a notebook, in which were notes scrawled in a dog's handwriting, and sat down in front of Angelica. Savio began to read his story to her. Angelica was reading a book by a rabbit named Harriet Hoppington. Savio was also reading the book. Or, really, he was leaning obnoxiously over Angelica's shoulder and dripping slobber on the pages of the book.
Yvonne came in from a recent expedition to the secret deserts of the Middle East in search of a lost artifact -- or something like that -- and hung her dusty jacket up on the coat rack. "So, what are you reading?" she asked. "The Adventures of Harey Butter," said Angelica. "That is a gross name!" exclaimed Yvonne. Then, after a moment of thought, she said, "Wait, who's that by and what's it about?" "Harriet Hoppington," answered Angelica. "It's about a cowbunny. You know, a cow-herding horse-riding hero of the west!" "What!? Where'd you get that from?" said Yvonne, ripping the book from Angelica's paws. "This is heretical garbage! That rabbit Harriet doesn't know what a true hero is! I went to high school with her, you know. She couldn't read. I don't think she's even writing those books. I think she pays someone else to use a word generator to stick words together and make a book." "Well, who's to say you could do any better?" retorted Angelica. "Me, of course," replied Yvonne. "I am the expert on me after all. And I have a degree in Literary Heroics." "That doesn't exist. You made that up," said Angelica. "Well, Ms. Hoppington has no degrees whatsoever, made up or not," said Yvonne. "Tell me a story about heroes of the wild west, then!" said Angelica. "Challenge accepted!" answered Yvonne. "And Savio, could you please sit down?" Savio was now running around the house chasing tennis balls that Veronica threw for him. When Yvonne asked him to sit down, he instead kept running but ended up crashing into a sofa and getting his head stuck in it. After that he obviously stopped chasing tennis balls. "Good!" said Yvonne. "So..." "I just don't agree with your method of education!" Angelica exclaimed suddenly, throwing her book down. Savio stopped admiring his shiny teeth in a mirror to glance over at Angelica in surprise. Yvonne hardly moved.
"Mm-hmm?" was all Yvonne said, if you can call it that. "How does reading and studying do me any good if there aren't any tests?" asked the exasperated Angelica. Savio's jaw dropped. The newspaper in Yvonne's paws slipped to the ground. There was a long, awkward pause. "Tests!" bellowed Yvonne. "Tests!" She continued to repeat the word several times. Then Angelica said, "What? What's the problem with tests?" Savio whined and hid under the sofa. "What do you mean by tests?" asked Yvonne. "You know, answer questions and get a score and stuff to see how much you know," said Angelica. "Ridiculous!" exclaimed Yvonne. Angelica gave her a funny look, but she went on, "You came here to learn to be wise, didn't you? Being wise isn't the same as having your head stuffed full of facts. I don't intend for you to learn facts. I intend for you to learn to learn and live." "I didn't see how reading teaches you to live," said Angelica. She paused. "Unless you read a book telling you how to breathe..." There was a loud SMACK! as Yvonne slapped herself in the face and then groaned. "To live there's gotta be a life," said Yvonne. "I'm giving you a life..." But Angelica interrupted her. "Why can't you just make me sit in a room at a desk while you lecture me?" "No!" yelled Yvonne. "The LIFE! That isn't! It just... no!" Savio crawled out from the sofa. "I think you should tell a story to explain," said Savio, who didn't actually believe that telling a story would explain anything, but he just wanted to hear a story. It would beat Yvonne yelling like an old kook, at any rate. "Yes!" said Yvonne. "Good! I've got just the one in my head already..." Angelica came hopping up to Yvonne, followed by Savio who, as usual, looked clueless. "Yvonne! Yvonne! Yvonne!" said Angelica.
"What? What? What?" said Yvonne. "Yay! Yay! Yay!" said Savio, although he wasn't sure why. "I finished all of my reading assignments this week!" said Angelica, still hopping up and down in her excitement. "Really?" said Yvonne, surprised. "But you had 322 this week alone." "I finished them!" repeated Angelica. In a flash she disappeared, and in a flash she reappeared with a huge mountain of books. She dropped them on top of Yvonne. "Ow." After a few moments Yvonne found her way out of the maze of books. She reemerged, taking a straggling book from off the top of her head. "Hm," she said, glancing at it. "Milton. I haven't finished reading it. You know, too many helicopter dance lessons this week." "Since I finished my assignments would you tell me a story?" asked Angelica sweetly. "Ohhhh!" said Savio. "That's why I was excited. I forgot." "Usually," Yvonne replied to Savio. Then she turned to Angelica. "Very well. I guess you earned it. Get ready for a story, kiddos." Yvonne was reading a newspaper from the Royal Sneech Press (RSP). The article was about imperial archaeologists and the discovery they had just made. The article read something like this:
"Archaeologists from Emperor Bunzees' Imperial Archaeology Institute were investigating the house of the famous rabbit Snowball just last Tuesday. The archaeologists were actually invited by other scientists who were doing studies and searches in Snowball's house, after some claims were made against Snowball that he was attempting to build a giant killer robot. Others claim that Snowball was not making any killer robots, but that he was instead planning to unleash a disease upon the populace; a disease, some say, made from dieffenbachia and carried by crows. The actual science of either of these plans is questionable, but we are talking about Snowball. The scientists have not yet managed to find any evidence for Snowball building killer robots or creating diseases, but under Snowball's dirty piles of laundry shoved under his bed and behind the door, the scientists discovered what seemed to be ancient documents. After this discovery, they called in the Imperial Archaeologists to investigate the documents. Dr. Bunniana Jones says that the documents were 'covered in such a thick layer of dust that we could not read them. After clearing the dust off, I think several of our archaeologists contracted some ancient diseases from the dust!' No one else seems to believe Dr. Jones, who is a vehement supporter of both the killer robot and dieffenbachia disease conspiracies. According to Dr. Bruce Hopper, a lead archaeologist, they have so far only managed to clean up one document enough to be able to read it. Continuing, he says that the document seems to be an ancient Snowball comic, written and published by SAB Sx3 (Snowball Action Books) about 400 years ago. This particular document seems to be one of the first Snowball comics ever written. The historian Henri LaConey thinks that the comic may be based on historical facts. LaConey also claims that within the comic are some of Snowball's own many, many last words. WARNING: Depending on your sensitivities, this comic may contain graphic material; namely, nose warts and the use of the word 'dead', accompanied by X eyes." "SAVIO!!!"
Savio came slinking into the house. He did not like it when Yvonne yelled at him. He came slowly up to her and sat down, but would not look her in the face. Instead he stared at the ground. For a few seconds Yvonne said nothing, and during those few seconds Angelica slipped out of the closet into which she had hidden when Yvonne yelled. "So, Savio..." said Yvonne in a lilting voice -- the one which Savio did not like much more than the yelling -- "I had this ball the other day. This shiny ball. Someone seems to have misplaced it." Almost as if in reply, Savio was thrown into a coughing fit. He coughed and coughed until finally he coughed up little shiny blue pieces. Then he sat down, looked up at Yvonne, and wagged his tail. "Well," said Yvonne, "at least you won't have indigestion now." "What was so important about that ball, anyway?" asked Angelica. "It was my oracle," replied Yvonne. "Your what...?" said Angelica. "Oh, you ignorant little coney!" exclaimed Yvonne. "I have many skills, including foretelling the future. But I can't do that without my oracle ball." "So you're a fortune-teller?" asked Angelica. "I didn't say that," answered Yvonne. Then she turned to Savio. "Now, you've been a very bad puppy" -- at this Savio looked at her with sad eyes -- "so today it's your job to go grocery shopping. And while you're at it, buy me a new oracle." Angelica slumped into a chair and groaned. "I'm bored!" she whined.
"Have you finished your 234 reading assignments for this week?" asked Yvonne, who was currently shining an odd blue ball. Savio was staring intensely at the ball. He had never seen such a beautiful potential dog toy. "I don't want to read anymore," whined Angelica (Yvonne did not appreciate whining). "I would rather hear a story! You're supposed to tell us stories." "Oh. I didn't realize that the story thing was obligatory," said Yvonne. "I like stories," said Savio, drool dripping from his mouth as he continued to gape at the ball. "You should tell us about the time you survived the zombie apocalypse," said Angelica. "What? Who told you that?" replied Yvonne as she carefully put the ball into its case. "Anyway, that is actually a boring story. All I did is run around in circles screaming the whole time. But I suppose I could tell you about a rabbit I once knew." "Will it be boring?" asked Angelica. "No," answered Yvonne. "It will be worse than that." Yvonne woke to a rather unpleasant surprise. She was tied to a chair and surrounded by her pupil and her dog, both wielding threatening baseball bats. Well, actually, Savio was eating his baseball bat. But that is beside the point. The point is that Yvonne was being held hostage!
"Today you're going to finish the story, no matter what," said Angelica. "But my Cicero translations!" Yvonne objected. "Cicero later, story now," replied Angelica. "I can't work under these conditions," snorted Yvonne. Savio offered her some of his baseball bat. She quickly but politely declined. "Story," insisted Angelica. "Fine, but later on we're going to have to really work on your communication skills," said Yvonne. She attempted to make herself as comfortable as she could be in the current (hostage) situation. "Well?" said Angelica, tapping her little rabbit foot impatiently.
"'Well' what?" asked Yvonne, who was currently reading selections from Samuel Taylor Coleridge and T.S. Eliot. "You promised you'd finish your story today," said Savio. He wagged his tail and smiled expectantly. "Very well. A promise is a promise," Yvonne said. She set her book of poetry aside on the table while the two youngsters settled around her. "Now where was I?" she asked them. "Ooh! Uh..." said Savio, but then he forgot what he was going to say because he had begun to think about cucumbers. "We just met Sunflower," said Angelica before she became distracted by any sort of food item. "Right!" said Yvonne. "So..." |
HEY! this is yvonneYour narrator... sort of. Archives
March 2021
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