A Real Fairy-Tale, PART 1
"Sit down, kids!" said Yvonne, plopping down onto the sofa with a dusty old book. "I've got a story for you!"
"But I'm doing Algebra!" said the self-righteous, conscientious little brat Angelica.
"You are not, not today," replied Yvonne, casually taking Angelica's laptop out of her lap and flinging it out an open window. "Now," said Yvonne, "where's Savio? Never mind, I'll start without him."
"But I can't listen to stories," said the obstinately conscientious Angelica. "I have to do real work."
"Anything you do is real work, because you are a real piece of work," said Yvonne. Angelica's conscientious feelings were hurt, and shocked. She gaped at Yvonne. "You be quiet now," said Yvonne. "Listen to this real fairy-tale! Not one of my own cheap knockoffs or things that popped out of my brain. Although, I will tell it in my own words."
Hi dere! Dis is Snowball! I know what you're thinkin': "But you ain't the narrator!" Yeah, not usually. But today, I am your narrator!
Wonderin' what happened to the other narrator, Yvonne? Well, she's tied up in her office. It a nice place! Yvonne gotta lotta work to do today, so I thought it would just be best if I tied her up in her office and took over her job today. She's writin' a book, in fact, and she a very obsessive person. Wonderin' how someone can write a book while tied up? Don't ask. It ain't important.
Just gonna let you know about stuff happenin' around the place in Yvonne's absence! Savio, da little doggy, he as clueless and happy as ever. Chasin' tennis balls. You know, I ain't exactly a dog person, but Savio's a pretty cute little puppy dog!
Then there's Angelica. She's still pretendin' to do reading assignments without really doing them. If she ever has to write papers she looks stuff up on Google. Dat's called cheatin'. But what can I say? I weren't exactly the best of students!
Oh, dere's da office down there. That's Teddy down there. He and Yvonne share da office. Actually, he really shares it with an odd, large pink and purple striped feline named James Fletcher. He's technically one of the "enemies" of the bunnies, but politics with them are pretty confusing.
Anyway, enough about other people. Let's talk about me!
He Who Does Not Work
Angelica was ready to set her plan in motion. It wasn't a very complicated plan, but she was sure it would work. She grabbed the pile of 103 books she was supposed to read and hopped out of the library and into the living room. She scanned the area, looking for Yvonne. But she saw only Savio, sitting on the floor and reading Green Eggs and Ham for the 8th time that day.
"Have you seen Yvonne?" asked Angelica.
"Oh yeah!" said Savio. "She's in her secret office that you can only access by pulling a particular red book on the third shelf to the right in the library. It's a secret bookshelf door, like in the movies! Did you know we had one? Oh!" He suddenly slapped a paw over his mouth. "I wasn't supposed to tell you all that," he mumbled sheepishly.
"Oh, didn't feel bad about it," answered Angelica. "You have assisted me in a noble cause."
Immediately Savio's face brightened. "Really? Yay yay yay!" He then remembered he had left a tennis ball under the sofa and went to fetch it.
Per Savio's instructions, Angelica made her way into the library, pulled the red book on the shelf, and the bookshelf slid over, revealing a secret passageway. Angelica entered the passage and in a moment found herself in Yvonne's office. Other than yet more bookshelves lining the walls and the rather nice desk in the middle of the room, the room was mostly empty.
"What are you doing in here?" exclaimed Yvonne.
Angelica initiated her plan. She mustered the cutest, saddest little bunny face imaginable. "Would you please tell me a story?" she asked. Before Yvonne could answer, and Angelica knew how she was going to answer, she added quickly, "I know I still have reading assignments to do, but I just don't think I can work so much without a little bit of leisure in between."
Yvonne paused and stared into space. She seemed to be remembering something, something that Angelica could not see. "Fine. I'll tell you a story. But we're going into the living room. My secret office has been breached. I guess I'll just have to get a new one."
Back To School
"Story! Story! Story!" Angelica kept repeating.
"I'm sorry," said Yvonne, "but that doesn't really count as communication. Is there something you need to tell me?"
Angelica rolled her eyes. "I mean I want you to tell us a story!" she whined.
"You whine a lot," remarked Savio.
"No, no stories today," said Yvonne. "Well, not from me, anyway, but you don't seem to understand that yet..." she muttered to herself.
"Why not? Why no stories?" asked Angelica with a groan.
"Because you have work to do today," said Yvonne. She disappeared into the library. Angelica knew what that meant. A few minutes later Yvonne reappeared with a humongous stack of books.
"This week we'll start out small," explained Yvonne, expertly balancing the huge pile of books as she spoke, "I'll only give you 205 reading assignments this week. I suggest you focus on the Victorian period in literature this week, so you understand just why I believe it's so overrated. Or maybe you won't understand. There's also some good myths and legends in there, and an army survival manual. Never know when you might get stranded somewhere. You should also try some Dante and Milton."
When she finished speaking she suddenly lost control of the books, and she and all the literature fell forward with a loud crash! Angelica was crushed under the weight of the best that was ever thought and written. And the most mediocre that was ever thought and written.
"Someday, when you're older," Yvonne said, popping out from under all the books, "I might have you read some Nietzsche."
"I want reading assignments too!" said Savio, spinning in circles.
"Very well," replied Yvonne. She pulled a book out of the pile and gave it to Savio.
"Green... Eggs... and... and... Ham!" Savio read slowly. "I can't wait to read it!" he barked, spinning again.
"Didn't you read that last week...?" asked Angelica.
"Well, didn't you read Pascal's Wager last week? Well, you were supposed to," answered Yvonne, dropping yet another book on top of Angelica. "Oh, here's Porphyry, too," added Yvonne. She hopped towards the door.
"Where are you going?" asked Angelica, overwhelmed by the literature.
"To do my own studies, of course. I'll be back. Maybe I'll tell you a story next time," said Yvonne. She left out the house, but a moment later she popped back in the doorway and said, "You know, Snowball once said that he controlled the literature." And then she left them with that thought. Whatever that was supposed to mean.
Angelica sat motionless in the piles of words. Savio read Green Eggs and Ham over and over again, and even memorized it for a few seconds, but then it was lost to him and he thought about squirrels and pancakes.
Snowball's Pie Contest
Sipping her coffee, Yvonne flipped through the pages of the RSP newspaper. She ignored the articles about politics, sports, gossip, and grating cheese, and went right to the section about Snowball. Yvonne knew there was always at least one article about Snowball.
But today, there was something particular she wanted to know. And sure enough, she found her quarry under the big, black ink letters at the top of one page stating: "SNOWBALL'S LONG-AWAITED PIE CONTEST FINALLY COMES TO A HEAD". Yvonne read on.
HEY! this is yvonne
Your narrator... sort of.