An Unbearable Guest
"Gotta admit, I am pretty lousy at runnin' dis business," Snowball said glumly as he aimlessly hopped around the house which he had taken over weeks ago. He pored over the contents of the refrigerator, most of which were old and should have been thrown out. But Snowball had never been neat or organized, and anyway, bad food hardly affected him. If it did kill him, he'd just come back, after all.
"Dat's a depressing thought," said Snowball, rubbing his chin contemplatively. "If I die, I come back. Then I die again. Then I live again. An endless cycle... around and around and around. And for what? What is da point of my annoying respawning power? Is it for da same reason dat you respawn in video games? Yeah, so dat you can try again! But what is da point of trying at all? What am I trying? What am I doing in life!?"
His soliloquy was interrupted by the sound of a door creaking. Now what could have caused that? He was the only living creature in the house (don't ask if there may have been other sorts of creatures). He crept around the corner of the kitchen, and there, upon the sofa, TV remote in... hand... sat a brown, furry figure...
The figure of a teddy bear.
"Snowball, you're pretty lousy at running this business," said Yvonne.
At first Snowball did not reply. He was busy focusing intensely on his miniature macaroni palace. He delicated placed another piece of macaroni on top of it.
He was still too lost in his project to hear.
Yvonne's horse, Jacob, walked into the house. He was small enough to fit. He ate Snowball's macaroni palace.
"Seriously, man, you got some nerve!" exclaimed Snowball.
Jacob snorted macaroni all over Snowball.
"SNOWBALL!" screamed Yvonne. Snowball jumped up and hit the ceiling.
"What? Who's that? Who's dere?" asked Snowball.
"The rabbit who owns this house," answered Yvonne. "Anyway, you are not running this business properly..."
"No, you don't do that no more, dat ownin' this house thing," said Snowball. "All mine now, and I run dis business just like I like to."
"Then I quit!" exclaimed Yvonne.
Snowball gasped. "You can't do dat!"
"I just did!"
"Well, you really can't, because I fire you!"
Yvonne walked out the door. Jacob followed her, still munching on macaroni. She hooked him up to a cart. "We're going on an adventure, Jacob!" she said.
Angelica came out of the house, where she had been rather poorly pretending to be working at her school. Savio followed her, still munching on her homework. Yvonne grabbed them both and dropped them in the cart.
"What are you doing to me?" whined Angelica. Savio whined, too, though he didn't know why.
"Instead of me just telling you stories all the time, we're going to live stories! We're gonna see them ourselves! Experience them!" said Yvonne.
"You're a nut!" screamed Angelica.
"Maybe, but you're dramatic," said Yvonne. "You're also not leaving, because I just strapped you to your seat."
Spike hopped out of the house, still munching on a banana. "Snowball's brooding in there, and lamenting about how he's been betrayed or something. What did you do? What are you doing?"
"We're going places!" said Yvonne, and with that, she swept him up onto the cart next to her.
"Why can't I drive?" asked Spike.
"Because you're eating a banana," replied Yvonne, as if that made perfect sense.
Jacob, who could talk, though he preferred not to, snorted and thought, Great, now I've gotta work. Just a couple minutes ago I was living a life of luxury, eating macaroni palaces and all...
Yvonne walked, or rather tried to sneak, in through the back door (which Angelica did not until now know existed) at the same moment that Snowball flung the front door open and hopped on in. He flung the door open so hard that it flew off the hinges and hit Savio in the face. Savio then proceeded to chew on the door.
"Don't worry 'bout that. I'll pay for it since it's mine now anyway," said Snowball.
"What!?" exclaimed Yvonne.
Spike hopped out of the kitchen, munching on a banana. "Is this what I think it is?"
"Very rude, you mean?" asked Angelica with a contemptuous snort.
"No, a takeover! A coup d'etat!" mumbled Spike.
"Yeah, sure, call it what you like," said Snowball. "But I got imperial approval, ya know? Real legal-like and all. Pretty unusual for me, but I thought dis was a special matter callin' for special preparations."
"Imperial approval? Prove it," Yvonne said boldly.
Snowball produced a document with the imperial signature on it.
"Not a fake," remarked Spike. Bits of banana splattered all over the legal document.
"Yeah, so I own y'all now," said Snowball. "Or at least your blog!"
Spike and Yvonne gasped. "You can't say that word!"
"What word?" asked Snowball.
"The 'B' word..." explained Spike.
"Whatever. Y'all gonna concede? If ya do, I'll buy you a new door. I'll buy you a new office, too!" said Snowball.
"Trying to bribe me, are you?" said Yvonne. "Well, it won't work..."
"I'll also buy you a horse," said Snowball.
"Okay! Deal!" Yvonne replied instantly.
"Ugh! I live here, too, you know," grumbled Angelica.
"Well, you?" said Snowball. "You get da rest of da month off. Vacation!"
"VACATION?" exclaimed Angelica. She hopped around in joyful ecstasy, which was very uncharacteristic of her.
Thus Snowball was able to take control of the blog.
"Dis is gonna be fun!" said Snowball.
There was no sign of Yvonne anywhere. Angelica, with the help of Savio, looked in all twenty-five of Yvonne's secret offices, and even discovered a secret underground tunnel, but Yvonne was not there. They looked under the sofa. Not there. They looked inside the television. Not there. They looked in each and every book in the house. Not in any of them, nor under them, either.
Angelica and Savio had just about given up on their search when a small, fluffy white rabbit hopped into the house as if he owned the place.
"Hi dere! I'm back for a visit!" said Snowball. "Hey, you know, I love what ya done wid da place. Dat dinosaur skeleton out dere is a real nice touch."
"Not you again!" exclaimed Angelica. Savio said nothing. He sat staring and panting, and that said it all.
"What? You got a problem with me? 'Cause I don't got a problem with me," said Snowball. "This Story Tuesday or something? No, gotta think of a better name than that, you know. Anyway, you want a story? You can't have one. 'Cause I don't have one."
"Then at least tell us where Yvonne is," grumbled Angelica.
"Oh yeah? Nah, dat's okay. I'll pass," he said, looking through the refrigerator. Then he suddenly screamed, "Instead I'll tell you a story!" and he threw himself on the sofa so that it slid at least five feet back. Angelica looked perplexed or, perhaps, entirely bewildered. Snowball relished in that sort of look, which he was well acquainted with.
"You! Dog! Fan me!" demanded Snowball. Savio obeyed as best he could, picking up a leaf in his teeth and fanning Snowball with it. The action really did nothing, but Snowball liked to see other creatures adoring him.
"So..." began Snowball...
Snowball's Pie Contest
Sipping her coffee, Yvonne flipped through the pages of the RSP newspaper. She ignored the articles about politics, sports, gossip, and grating cheese, and went right to the section about Snowball. Yvonne knew there was always at least one article about Snowball.
But today, there was something particular she wanted to know. And sure enough, she found her quarry under the big, black ink letters at the top of one page stating: "SNOWBALL'S LONG-AWAITED PIE CONTEST FINALLY COMES TO A HEAD". Yvonne read on.
Heroes of the Wild West, Part 2
Nearly a week had gone by since Snowball showed up, and recently he had started lazing around the house without doing anything. Now he sat upon the sofa, watching TV, with Savio feeding him potato chips. He was beginning to wear out his welcome, and Angelica told him so.
"No, no, no," said Snowball. "You don't understand. I can't just go. Dere's guys out there lookin' for me! I'm kinda a criminal, ya know?"
Neglecting to ask the obvious question (which was what Snowball had done to become a criminal) Angelica instead said, "You can't stay here forever. What happens if Yvonne comes back?"
"Yvonne?" exclaimed Snowball. "Yeah, I remember dat kid. Good kid. Survived da zombie apocalypse like you wouldn't believe. But don't worry. She won't mind if I assume dictatorship over her household."
"Well, I will," said Angelica, stamping her foot.
"What I gotta do to receive hospitable housing for just a few days?" asked Snowball with sad, blue eyes. He did not mean the question literally, but Angelica was a very literal rabbit.
"Tell me a story, if you're immortal and all that, like you said," she demanded.
"Actually I ain't tested that immortality theory yet. Gotta wait until the end of the world to figure that one out!" said Snowball. Then he shook his head several times, slowly, and asked, "Why you care about stories, anyway?"
Savio, in reply, blurted out, "Yvonne was going to tell us a story about two cowbunnies named Wayne and Brook encountering you in a bakery but she never told us that story and that makes me sad."
"Dat story! Dere's a good one. Mostly with a lot of boom booms and stuff like that," replied Snowball. Snowball sighed. "I will tell you that story if you allow me to stay here for just a few more days."
"Fine," said Angelica, who, despite being bossy, was also rather easily persuaded.
Snowball propped himself up on some pillows and slurped some soda served to him by Savio. "Good for da voice, ya know?" said Snowball.
The Uninvited Guest
BOOM! Veronica, the tennis ball throwing oracle thing, exploded suddenly right as Yvonne came into the house. Fortunately, since Veronica had not had the features oracle balls were traditionally supposed to have, she did not release magic all over the house when she blew up. Yvonne never liked to sweep magic up off her rug.
She also did not like to sweep up tennis ball pieces, either. But, lucky for her, she would not get the time to that day, and so the obligation would pass to Angelica or Savio. Or, well, actually, it was someone else who ended up cleaning the tennis ball pieces, but we'll get to that soon.
As soon as they saw Yvonne, Savio and Angelica leaped out from the tennis ball pieces under which they had previously been buried. They ran up to her and hugged her, although she wasn't too fond of hugs.
"What happened here?" asked Yvonne. Angelica explained the entire ordeal about Veronica, and when she was done she began to complain that Savio had locked her in a closet. Savio retaliated and said that he had locked her in a closet to defend Yvonne's honor, and Angelica replied with something else, and so it went back and forth. But Yvonne stopped paying attention. She was looking at a calendar. She suddenly gasped.
"That's right. I've got to go," she said.
"But you haven't even told us what happened to you," said Angelica.
"Yeah! Tell us a story!" barked Savio.
Yvonne replied, "Sorry, I can't. I have another engagement this week. Sweep up the tennis ball pieces when you get a chance, okay? And this time you're in charge, Angelica. Don't set anything on fire and don't lock anyone in a closet unless they're intruders or unless either of you says anything that's just plain wrong, on the internet or otherwise."
Then she was gone. And the moment she was gone, Angelica decided to use her new power to boss Savio around. She shoved a broom at him, and he started sweeping. He was not the best at sweeping, because, after all, he was a dog.
Heroes of the Wild West, Part 1
Angelica was reading a book by a rabbit named Harriet Hoppington. Savio was also reading the book. Or, really, he was leaning obnoxiously over Angelica's shoulder and dripping slobber on the pages of the book.
Yvonne came in from a recent expedition to the secret deserts of the Middle East in search of a lost artifact -- or something like that -- and hung her dusty jacket up on the coat rack. "So, what are you reading?" she asked.
"The Adventures of Harey Butter," said Angelica.
"That is a gross name!" exclaimed Yvonne. Then, after a moment of thought, she said, "Wait, who's that by and what's it about?"
"Harriet Hoppington," answered Angelica. "It's about a cowbunny. You know, a cow-herding horse-riding hero of the west!"
"What!? Where'd you get that from?" said Yvonne, ripping the book from Angelica's paws. "This is heretical garbage! That rabbit Harriet doesn't know what a true hero is! I went to high school with her, you know. She couldn't read. I don't think she's even writing those books. I think she pays someone else to use a word generator to stick words together and make a book."
"Well, who's to say you could do any better?" retorted Angelica.
"Me, of course," replied Yvonne. "I am the expert on me after all. And I have a degree in Literary Heroics."
"That doesn't exist. You made that up," said Angelica.
"Well, Ms. Hoppington has no degrees whatsoever, made up or not," said Yvonne.
"Tell me a story about heroes of the wild west, then!" said Angelica.
"Challenge accepted!" answered Yvonne. "And Savio, could you please sit down?" Savio was now running around the house chasing tennis balls that Veronica threw for him. When Yvonne asked him to sit down, he instead kept running but ended up crashing into a sofa and getting his head stuck in it. After that he obviously stopped chasing tennis balls.
"Good!" said Yvonne. "So..."
An Archaeological Discovery
Yvonne was reading a newspaper from the Royal Sneech Press (RSP). The article was about imperial archaeologists and the discovery they had just made. The article read something like this:
"Archaeologists from Emperor Bunzees' Imperial Archaeology Institute were investigating the house of the famous rabbit Snowball just last Tuesday. The archaeologists were actually invited by other scientists who were doing studies and searches in Snowball's house, after some claims were made against Snowball that he was attempting to build a giant killer robot. Others claim that Snowball was not making any killer robots, but that he was instead planning to unleash a disease upon the populace; a disease, some say, made from dieffenbachia and carried by crows. The actual science of either of these plans is questionable, but we are talking about Snowball.
The scientists have not yet managed to find any evidence for Snowball building killer robots or creating diseases, but under Snowball's dirty piles of laundry shoved under his bed and behind the door, the scientists discovered what seemed to be ancient documents. After this discovery, they called in the Imperial Archaeologists to investigate the documents. Dr. Bunniana Jones says that the documents were 'covered in such a thick layer of dust that we could not read them. After clearing the dust off, I think several of our archaeologists contracted some ancient diseases from the dust!' No one else seems to believe Dr. Jones, who is a vehement supporter of both the killer robot and dieffenbachia disease conspiracies.
According to Dr. Bruce Hopper, a lead archaeologist, they have so far only managed to clean up one document enough to be able to read it. Continuing, he says that the document seems to be an ancient Snowball comic, written and published by SAB Sx3 (Snowball Action Books) about 400 years ago. This particular document seems to be one of the first Snowball comics ever written. The historian Henri LaConey thinks that the comic may be based on historical facts. LaConey also claims that within the comic are some of Snowball's own many, many last words.
WARNING: Depending on your sensitivities, this comic may contain graphic material; namely, nose warts and the use of the word 'dead', accompanied by X eyes."
Savio Meets a Celebrity
Savio came slinking into the house. He did not like it when Yvonne yelled at him. He came slowly up to her and sat down, but would not look her in the face. Instead he stared at the ground. For a few seconds Yvonne said nothing, and during those few seconds Angelica slipped out of the closet into which she had hidden when Yvonne yelled.
"So, Savio..." said Yvonne in a lilting voice -- the one which Savio did not like much more than the yelling -- "I had this ball the other day. This shiny ball. Someone seems to have misplaced it."
Almost as if in reply, Savio was thrown into a coughing fit. He coughed and coughed until finally he coughed up little shiny blue pieces. Then he sat down, looked up at Yvonne, and wagged his tail.
"Well," said Yvonne, "at least you won't have indigestion now."
"What was so important about that ball, anyway?" asked Angelica.
"It was my oracle," replied Yvonne.
"Your what...?" said Angelica.
"Oh, you ignorant little coney!" exclaimed Yvonne. "I have many skills, including foretelling the future. But I can't do that without my oracle ball."
"So you're a fortune-teller?" asked Angelica.
"I didn't say that," answered Yvonne. Then she turned to Savio. "Now, you've been a very bad puppy" -- at this Savio looked at her with sad eyes -- "so today it's your job to go grocery shopping. And while you're at it, buy me a new oracle."
HEY! this is yvonne
Your narrator... sort of.