Heroes of the Wild West, Part 1

Angelica was reading a book by a rabbit named Harriet Hoppington. Savio was also reading the book. Or, really, he was leaning obnoxiously over Angelica's shoulder and dripping slobber on the pages of the book. 

Yvonne came in from a recent expedition to the secret deserts of the Middle East in search of a lost artifact -- or something like that -- and hung her dusty jacket up on the coat rack. "So, what are you reading?" she asked.

"The Adventures of Harey Butter," said Angelica.

"That is a gross name!" exclaimed Yvonne. Then, after a moment of thought, she said, "Wait, who's that by and what's it about?"

"Harriet Hoppington," answered Angelica. "It's about a cowbunny. You know, a cow-herding horse-riding hero of the west!"

"What!? Where'd you get that from?" said Yvonne, ripping the book from Angelica's paws. "This is heretical garbage! That rabbit Harriet doesn't know what a true hero is! I went to high school with her, you know. She couldn't read. I don't think she's even writing those books. I think she pays someone else to use a word generator to stick words together and make a book."

"Well, who's to say you could do any better?" retorted Angelica.

"Me, of course," replied Yvonne. "I am the expert on me after all. And I have a degree in Literary Heroics."

"That doesn't exist. You made that up," said Angelica.

"Well, Ms. Hoppington has no degrees whatsoever, made up or not," said Yvonne.

"Tell me a story about heroes of the wild west, then!" said Angelica.

"Challenge accepted!" answered Yvonne. "And Savio, could you please sit down?" Savio was now running around the house chasing tennis balls that Veronica threw for him. When Yvonne asked him to sit down, he instead kept running but ended up crashing into a sofa and getting his head stuck in it. After that he obviously stopped chasing tennis balls.

​"Good!" said Yvonne. "So..."

"In the city of Los Heros, far to the east of San Bunisco, but hidden away in the wilds of the desert, there is a famous university. Understandably, it is called the Los Heros University, or LHU. They have a football team called the Outlaw Hunters. That is very relevant information. Do not question the storyteller.

On the surface, this university seems like any other, with normal boring lectures in a normal boring classroom, and then at the end of your studies there you might get a normal boring piece of paper -- woohoo. But in that same university, there is a hidden college, teaching young rabbits how to be heroes. Usually they teach their heroes to ride around on horses with revolvers and wide-brimmed hats, but there are also the heroes like... well, me. Back in my day, the Underground Los Heros Program was one that I attended, and graduated from. I'm in the Secret Passage Hall of Fame. By secret they just seem to mean that nobody cares, because it really isn't all that secret.

Anyway, two of the most famous graduates of the Underground Los Heros Program were members of a gang they call the Outlaw Hunters. Yes, after the football team. Their gang is very small, in fact it consists of only two rabbits: themselves. Their names are Wayne Buck and Brook Harris. They are rivals to Snowball, who at times is a bad guy himself, and at other times he at least likes to imagine himself as a hero. Snowball never went to university, though. However, he did found the University of Snowball. But I wouldn't go there if I were you.

The Outlaw Hunters, like many other heroic cowbunnies, are pious rabbits. As you know, there are some rabbits in our country who have a very complicated pantheon of bunny gods. In fact they are simply referred to as the bunny gods. I myself don't know their names. They're just the bunny gods. There is a sacred temple on top of some sacred hill in some sacred jungle somewhere, and one day, Snowball went to this temple. Looking around at all the statues of the bunny gods, Snowball declared boldly that, 'When the day of judgement comes, and the bunny gods come, I gonna tear their mutton legs off.'

I probably should have warned you that Snowball is a brutal little rabbit.

Anyway, the Outlaw Hunters' heroic tails tingled, and they knew something was up. They went to the temple, since they just so happened to be in the area (things always work out for heroes, too, it seems) and they came in to find Snowball on the scene, being all heathen-like. Any good cowbunny is protective of good pious practices, which Snowball is certainly not. 

However, not all cowbunnies are particularly bright. The Outlaw Hunters knew that Snowball regenerated after he died, and that it was probably not best to kill him, especially after saying such horrible things. But Brook Harris shot him anyway. Snowball came back and asked, 'Do you level up when you die?' She shot him again after that.

Oh my! I've already rambled on quite a bit. I was going to tell you about the Outlaw Hunters' encounter with Snowball in a small town bakery, but I don't have time right now."

"Awwww!" said Savio and Angelica. 

"Sorry, but I have to go shine Napoleon's boots," said Yvonne. "If I don't, the Sphinx will explode and locusts will pour out over the whole earth."

"That doesn't sound so bad," said Savio, thinking of how much fun he would have chasing a plague of locusts.

"You really can tell a good story!" said Angelica.

"Don't patronise me," said Yvonne. 

"I wasn't." But Yvonne was already gone to go shine Napoleon's boots. 

Savio was still stuck in the sofa. He eventually decided he'd have to eat his way out. It's a good thing that RSP sent a new sofa along with a magazine to subscribers' houses. And Yvonne had just been thinking about unsubscribing, too.